People pleasing—it seems like a virtuous trait, right? What’s so wrong with appeasing others to avoid strife and tension?
As a recovered people pleaser, I can tell you: while I never had bad intentions (I don’t think many of us do), this quality became a complete disservice to myself—and to others. I didn’t realize this until I had an experience that broke me, made me question who I was, and revealed that I didn’t even know the answer to that fundamental question. I had no sense of self because I was always longing to be someone others wanted me to be, rather than who I wanted to be.
Of course, that hurt me. I went along with situations I wasn’t okay with, ignored my boundaries (hell, I didn’t even know what they were), and watched myself stay silent instead of standing up for what was right, all because I didn’t want to rock the boat.
“I had no sense of self, because I was always longing to be someone others wanted me to be, rather than who I wanted to be.”
And it didn’t just affect me. It affected my loved ones, too. Though it’s usually not malicious, a people pleaser is simply not being genuine. I like to think of Aristotle’s quote: “A friend to all is a friend to none.” Ironically, when you try to make everyone happy, you end up not standing for anyone—or anything—when it truly counts. Not to mention, prioritizing others’ happiness can mean sacrificing your own happiness.
People pleasing often stems from trauma—a learned need to seek external validation instead of self-validation. It’s incredibly difficult to be true to yourself when you’ve experienced that being accepted and liked requires self-abandonment. It takes deep, ongoing self-work to figure out what your values actually are—who you really are—and what you’re okay and not okay with.
“It’s incredibly difficult to be true to yourself when you’ve experienced that being accepted and liked requires self-abandonment.”
So one day, I started making efforts toward killing the people pleaser in me because I wanted more for myself, and I wanted to better serve the people I love. Since then, I’ve become kinder, more loyal, more self-assured, and an improved version of myself all-around. But that hasn’t come without growing pains. There have been tough conversations. People have gotten upset with me. Some don’t agree with me. And that’s okay.
I unearthed my voice, found myself, and I no longer deviate from who I am. That’s how you grow. That’s how you stay real with others.
See my poem below based on this journey. It will be featured in my upcoming poetry collection, twentysomething: 💛
Death of the people pleaser
I killed the people pleaser
in me
shot her dead
each time she emerges
meekly insisting
to serve another’s
needs
before my own
she’s hurled into the air,
and violently beheaded.
Julia Burke 